Cigarettes and His Mother's Eyes
by studentnumber24601
Summary: They've had a fight, and now Blink's best friend is gone, maybe forever. Deals with Blink's past and his relationship with Mush.
1. one

[disclaimer: Disney's, not mine. Bad for me, probably good for them. AN after the chapter.]

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Cigarettes and His Mother's Eyes

[part 1 of 5]

The lodging house was dark and silent, aside from the occasional snore or creak of a mattress as someone rolled over. People slept peacefully, for the most part, thin and tattered blankets warding off the frigid, pre-winter air. It was a calm scene, probably the calmest point in the newsies day: the time when they were all asleep.

All except one.

Kid Blink rolled over and stared upwards at the wooden frame and sagging mattress that made the top bunk of his bed. He arranged the pillow under his head, trying to get comfortable, but his attempts failed sorely. He let out a deep, frustrated breath. It wasn't a lack of comfort keeping him from sleeping, as Blink usually fell asleep the moment he lay down and didn't wake until someone dragged him out of bed.

The only time he ever laid awake at night was when something was really bothering him. Finally, guiltily, he rolled over and looked at the bottom bunk next to his. It was empty, the only one in the lodging house without at least a person in it. Odd, especially given that a handful of beds held two people.

But that was an unspoken rule of the lodging house: the longer people had been there, the more entitled they were to a bed of their own; if one of the really regular, long-time newsies was gone for a night, the bed he usually had was left alone. If he wasn't there the next night it was open season for anyone who wanted it, but there was a little respect shown. Blink always took this same bed (though returned to find it gone a few times a month, his own fault for staying out too late) and Mush had slept in the one next to him for years, as long as they'd been best friends. Nearly six years now

Blink wondered where Mush was, as he had all night long. It was so odd; Mush almost never disappeared like this, he usually told someone he'd be gone beforehand, and he and Blink had never really fought before 

_Yeah, he's "disappeared," _Blink thought to himself. _'Cause I told him to. Christ, what was I thinking?_

He knew the answer, though; he _hadn't_ been thinking. He'd been shocked and angry, he felt betrayed, and he'd said stupid things, things he regretted now. _Mush always tells me I'm too impulsive, got a big temper. It cools down real quick, but I don't think when I'm mad_

_I shoulda listened to you, I shouldn't a' walked away_

He took a deep breath. _Dwelling on it ain't gonna help any,_ he told himself, but he couldn't help it. It was cold outside and he figured Mush was sleeping in an alley somewhere. Probably freezing. Maybe he hadn't eaten dinner. It was hitting the time of year between fall and winter when it was hardest to sell papers; the time when it was cold enough that no one wanted to stop for the second it took to buy one, it got dark earlier and no one liked walking around in the dark trying to sell, and the holidays were far enough away still that no one felt all that generous yet. It was this time of year that Mush and Blink always began to pool their money; neither one did all that well on his own, but together they could usually afford to split a meal and both sleep inside. Blink usually had enough on his own, but somehow doubted Mush had, since he'd bought Mush's lunch that afternoon.

_Where are you, Mush?_ he wondered for the thousandth time. 

__

He shut his eye and imagined Mush lying in the next bed over, sleeping comfortably, his usual peaceful smile in place. He could see it so well in his mind that it almost felt like it could be real, but when he opened his eye again, the bed was still empty. 

*

"You wanna talk about it?" Mush offered.

Blink glanced up and shrugged. That was his usual answer; he'd say he didn't want to talk, or he'd shrug, and a minute later he'd start talking anyway. Mush slid down the back wall of the lodging house to sit next to his friend, and glanced around. He wondered for a moment how many conversations they'd had back here. It was more private in this side alley than out in the square in front of the lodging house, and usually also more private than in the house itself.

And through the four years they'd been in the lodging house together, this was where they always came to talk. Blink's instinct was to be alone when he was upset, and this was the best he could do. Nothing would have stopped Mush from following him when he needed space, and at first he'd resented it, but then discovered Mush had an uncanny knack for helping him sort out his thoughts and deal with whatever was bothering him. Which is why when Mush took his usual position next to Blink, Blink felt a little relieved already.

"Okay," Mush said, and waited.

Blink reached into his pocket, pulled out and lit a cigarette, and offered it to his friend. Mush accepted, and they shared it. Finally, after a long silence, Blink took a drag, exhaled, and started.

"That woman," he said. "It ain't like the guys think."

"So what's it like, then?" Mush asked. He knew the woman Blink meant, he'd heard about it from Jack and Racetrack earlier. They'd walked past Blink, who'd been staring up at a window in one of the apartment buildings, and everyone could see a girl inside. She was somewhere in her twenties and pretty, though that was all anyone knew about her. Race and Jack had spent the next hour mocking Blink for being a peeping tom, while he got more and more annoyed at them, but refused to explain just why he'd been staring.

"She" He trailed off. "Ain't you never looked in a window, seen someone an' wondered what it's like to have a family? Seen 'em eating dinner, maybe, wondered what it would be like if you was there with 'em, their son or somethin'?"

"I guess," Mush answered. He hadn't looked in windows to see it, but it happened to all the guys sometimes. They'd be walking down a street or selling papers in a park and see a family and wonder what that was like. Almost none of them had families, and a handful of the guys didn't really know who their families _were_, like Mush, orphaned as an infant. Blink was a different case, he remembered his family clearly, but he wished he didn't. Life might have been easier that way.

"It's like That girl. I guess it's stupid, but she She kinda looks like my mother." He was staring down at the remains of the cigarette in his hand, playing with it between his fingers, pretending he wasn't just too embarrassed to look up. Even after four years, he was still half-afraid Mush was going to laugh at him, though it had never happened before.

"She's too young, though, ain't she? I mean, she's not that much older than us," Mush pointed out.

"Yeah, I know," Blink agreed. "But Mom when I last saw her I mean, she was real young when she and dad had me. Maybe not older than we are now. And I was just a kid when she left. I barely remember her."

"And the woman reminds you of her?" Mush asked. Blink nodded. "You miss your mother, Blink?"

"I don't miss nothin' about home," Blink answered without needing to think about it.

"You kidding me?" Mush demanded. "If I remembered my mom, I'd miss her like crazy."

"It ain't like that."

There was a pause, and finally Mush suggested, "You angry at her? For leaving you with your dad?"

"Naw, it's" Blink trailed off, then looked over at his friend and shrugged. "How'd you know that?"

"I'd be mad too." He slid down the side of the lodging house until he was sitting, knees pulled up to his chest, and Blink sat next to him. "I mean, I guess I am kind of mad. Ain't that dumb? I'm mad 'cause she died. At least _you_ got reason to hate yours."

"It ain't dumb," Blink told his friend, slumping against Mush's shoulder. "It ain't dumb for neither of us" he trailed off for a second, then added, "The girl in the window. The first time I saw her, I thought she _was_ my mom. I noticed her 'cause I saw her necklace, it looked just like one my mom used to wear sometimes, and they do look kinda alike I mean, I knew it wasn't her 'cause she was too young, but Mom sold that necklace when Dad lost his job the first time, hawked it for money. And Dad was real grateful, promised he'd get a new job, make sure things would be okay

"He never did, though. Started drinking instead. And I guess mom just couldn't take it no more, 'cause she up and left one day. I I gotta wonder what happened to her I wonder if she's still around If she ever thinks of me."

"I'm sure she does," Mush answered, and hesitantly put his arm around his friend. Blink wasn't the sort who cried ever, but he sounded like he was close to it. His voice was usually so enthusiastic, about whatever he was discussing, even if he was mad about something, but now he was quiet. He sounded almost like a little kid.

"I hope" Blink started, but stopped.

Mush knew just what he hoped, and said so. "You hope she feels awful about leavin' you?"

"Yeah. Ain't that wrong of me?" Blink half-laughed. "I must be just like my dad. 'Cause I want her to be unhappy. Like he always did."

"He wanted her to be upset?" Mush asked.

Blink shrugged a little. "He didn't care none when she was. Or me I remember when I used to cry and she'd try and make me feel better, but he'd just yell at her to make me shut up, even though she was trying. I shouldn't a' cried so loud, I guess."

"Aw, that wasn't your fault," Mush promised. "You was just a kid. You didn't know."

"But I shoulda," Blink insisted. "I made my own mom leave, and now I want her to feel bad about it."

"Come on, Blink, you know that ain't what happened. Don't ya?"

"Then Why...?" Blink asked desperately. "Why'd she leave me, Mush? What'd I do?"

"Hey," Mush said, turning so he was looking his friend in the face, "it's okay, Blink. She didn't want to leave you, I know it. She couldn't stand your dad no more. I bet she wanted to bring you with her, but she couldn't afford to At least she knew you had a home with your dad, right? Maybe she didn't know if she could give you that. She wanted you to be taken care of, so it was better that you stayed there. But I bet she misses you a whole lot, I bet she tells everyone about her son, how good of a kid he was."

"You really think so?" Blink asked.

"I'se sure of it," Mush promised. "Dead sure."

Blink nodded a little, and swallowed hard. Mush understood, and he knew just what to say. He knew just what to say, he always did. They were best friends, they always knew how to comfort each other.

[next chapter: Blink's eye. Blink's father. Blink's angst. Lots and lots of Blink's angst. Coming in a day or two.]

[AN: Woo! New story! Well, expanded story; this takes place in about the same universe as Better Than Nothing, approximately. You don't need to read one to understand the other, but I wanted to expand on the Mush/Blink slashy angsty tension, because, you know, mmmm. Mush/Blink slash.

All that said, major, MAJOR thanks to Shimmerwings and Ella for beta-reading this and helping me beat it into shape. It improved greatly with their help, and I can't thank them enough. Coolest people _ever._

Also, many thanks to everyone who reviewed BTN. You all not only made my day, you inspired me, and I'm incredibly grateful. You all rock SO hard. :-D Thanks to all of you, but especially Shimmerwings and Ella (again) and also to Arlene and Skittles. (And anyone else who's still reading. Longest AN ever? Yep.) 

Let's see Anything else I have to say I can do after other chapters. I think I've rambled enough for now. Toodles!

-24601]


	2. two

[disclaimer: still disney's. damn it.]

**__**

Cigarettes and His Mother's Eyes

[part two of five]

The empty bed stared back at Blink, the void doing nothing to ease the guilt in his mind, so Blink pulled his gaze away from it and looked around the room some more. It was pitch black and he could barely see a thing, though his eye was used to the light by then. He could make out an impression of the beds nearest him, the one above him, but the shades were all pulled down so even the light from the city that didn't sleep was blocked out so a few poor newsboys could get some shuteye. 

He sat up, the creaking of his bed loud enough to startle him. Someone coughed a few bunks over and he froze, heard someone turn over a few times, and then it was quiet. Slowly, he reached up to his face, and ran a finger gently over the band of his eye patch. He even slept with it on, he was so used to its feeling by now. Nothing felt as strange as having it off. Nothing except the gnawing knowledge of the empty bed next to his.

On an impulse, he did the one thing no one had ever seen him do willingly before: he hooked a finger under the band and slid it off. The cold air hit his face and he felt almost unbalanced, after being so used to the slight weight and pressure. He set the patch in his other hand and ran the pointer finger of his right hand gently over the scars. Two of them, forming an X, meeting in the middle of his dead eye. Not that they really showed up on his eye itself, but they'd been there, deep enough that he'd never see from it again.

He swallowed hard, remembering explaining to Mush about the woman who reminded him so much of his mother. _I have my mother's eyes,_ he remembered. He'd heard his father say that so many times One last time, that night in the kitchen

A shudder ran through him and he felt the rising panic that always accompanied those memories. He tried to avoid them, usually managed, but here in the dead of night, without anyone to help him, he felt too alone to keep them from his mind. The only one he'd ever managed to explain everything to was Mush.

And Mush was gone.

He realized again just how alone he was and clutched desperately his eye patch as the memories came flooding back.

*

"Please, miss, buy me pape?" Mush asked, his voice sounding close to tears. He kept his eyes open wide so he looked like he might cry, and his baby face and his youth were a sure combination for getting papers sold. He looked younger than he was, unlike his partner, who looked too old to be properly pathetic—despite the fact that they were nearly the same age.

The lady made a little, "awwww," noise and handed Mush a penny. His face lit up with gratitude as he thanked her and handed her the paper, then glanced around for his next target. There, a blond man taking change from a street vendor. He had the change, he just might buy. Mush started over towards him, and readied his lost child expression.

Something made him stop, as he crossed the road. Something about the blond man He looked down the street and saw his partner, working the other end of the block, and squinted a little. Kid Blink was too far away to really see clearly, but Mush knew what he looked like well enough, and he glanced back up at the man he hoped to sell to, he decided not to after all.

It was probably just coincidence, but the color of his hair and the shape of his jaw looked eerily like Blink. The man looked almost like he could have been Blink's father, Mush didn't know quite what had happened between Blink and his father, but he knew enough. He knew that if this _was_ the same guy, he was bad news.

Nervously, trying to look subtle, Mush started down the block to where his partner was selling. He saw the man glance around, glance down at him and then past him—street kids were unimportant—and over towards Blink. And Mush saw that the guy's gaze lingered just a moment too long, that there was a little recognition behind it, and that the man was now striding purposefully down the street.

That couldn't be good, either.

Mush took off in the same direction, pushing his way through crowds, small enough to worm through spaces someone bigger couldn't have fit through. And he made good time, luckily, and grabbed Blink by the shoulder. Blink turned around, startled; Mush had accidentally come up on his blind side. "What're you—?" Blink started, but Mush just pointed back at the rapidly approaching man.

Blink's eye went wide and he stared, and the man saw him staring. "Mush" he said. "That's"

"I know, let's cheese it. C'mon," Mush urged. Blink nodded a little, still startled, and it was Mush grabbing his arm and running that forced him out of the stupor. He started to run himself to keep up with Mush, and was actually faster once he started, but didn't want to lose his friend in the crowd. Together, Mush's arm still clutching Blink's, they wound through the streets, towards the lodging house, the only place they considered safe. They didn't stop until it was in sight, then finally collapsed, panting and exhausted, on the Horace Greeley statue. 

That was all Mush heard about Blink's father for awhile. It was a week later when the subject came up again, since Mush didn't ask. He didn't want to upset his friend. Blink had been acting a bit weird since he'd seen his dad, he was always looking behind himself to make sure no one was there, and refused to go back to the block they'd seen him at, even though it was their best selling spot. Mush was worried, but he got a lot more worried when the horsing around in the lodging house got worse one night.

It started with an innocent game of keepaway. One of the older kids stole Cowboy's hat, and Jack Kelly chased him around the room frantically, trying to get it back, but every time he'd caught up enough to grab it, the guy tossed it to one of the other kids in the room. Everyone would laugh hysterically, as Jack turned around frantically and would begin chasing the new thief. It was an easy enough game, though the victim found it annoying, and it happened frequently.

The problem was that one night, someone threw Jack's hat to Blink. Usually it was just the older kids who'd take it, since Cowboy couldn't really hurt them, but now and then they'd let the younger ones play too. This was one of those cases, and Blink caught the hat and careened across the room with it. Jack followed him, and just as Blink was about to toss it, Jack tackled him. They both hit the ground full on, but were caught up enough in the game that they didn't stop and didn't care. Blink kept his arms wrapped around the hat, while everyone else was laughing, and Jack couldn't get his grip loose enough to get it back. After a few seconds, he decided to try a new tactic. 

He reached out and grabbed Blink's eye patch, pulled up and it snapped off of Blink's face easily enough. "Hey!" Blink yelped, and everyone laughed; they figured it was only fair. He dropped the hat, not caring about it suddenly, and slammed one hand over his eye. "Give it back," he muttered into his arm, "Give it _back!"_

Jack grabbed the hat and scrambled to his feet. "C'mon, take it from me if you can, Kid," he challenged, dancing backwards.

Blink managed to stand up, but he kept his hand in place. "It ain't funny, Jack," he pleaded, the playfulness gone from his voice. "I can't Give it _back."_

"What's with him?" Racetrack asked Mush, sitting down next to him. "Can't he take a joke?"

Mush shrugged. He'd never seen Blink without his eye patch before, and realized that probably, no one had. 

Jack hesitated. On the one hand, he didn't want to upset Blink, but it _was_ just a game. Blink sounded more upset than he should have, since sooner or later, everyone got something stolen. His own hat and Racetrack's cigars were the favorite targets, but still. No one was _serious_ about it.

Blink seemed to be, though. He didn't chase Jack, just stood there with his eye covered, staring down at the ground, shoulders slumped. "What's amattah, huh?" Jack asked. "You can't take it?"

"Not that, please," Blink said quietly. He was turning red with everyone staring at him, a few people laughing a little. "Anything by my patch. Come on, Jack, _please."_

Jack shrugged a little. "Catch," he said, and tossed it back to Blink, who instinctively reached out with his right hand—the hand that covered his eye—and caught it. And for a split second, everyone saw his eye, and he realized it. Suddenly terrified, Blink started to run, out of the room, down the stairs, out of the lodging house. Everyone just stared after him, no one sure what had happened. 

Mush glanced around, then wordlessly got up and followed. Blink wasn't anywhere in sight when he got outside, but he was pretty sure he knew where to look. The alley out back was pretty private, and Blink had gone out there to just sit, alone, every night since they'd seen his father. "Blink?" Mush asked hesitantly, glancing down the back road. Sure enough, there in the back, Blink was sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them and his face buried in them, obscured by his uncombed blond hair. He still had the eye patch clutched in one hand, and his shoulders were shaking a tiny bit.

"Lemme alone," Blink called, his voice breaking.

"You cryin'?" Mush asked, ignoring the plea. He walked over to his selling partner and crouched next to him. 

"Go a_way,"_ Blink insisted.

"You are," Mush realized.

"I ain't," Blink sniffled. "Just leave me alone, Mush. I don't need no one else laughing at me."

"I ain't laughing at you, Blink. I'd never do that," Mush promised. "I just want to make sure you'se okay."

"Fine," Blink said, sitting up a little bit, shaking the hair from his face. He wiped away the few tears with the back of his grimy hand, and froze with it over his eye again. "You gonna go away or what?"

"Nope," Mush answered. There was a long silence, and finally Mush offered, "But I'll look away while you put the patch back on, if you want."

"Yeah," Blink agreed. He waited for Mush to have sat down with his back facing towards him, before he let his hand drop and pulled the patch into position. It felt awkward over damp skin, but he felt better with it on than with it off. He _hated_ having it off.

"Can I look yet?" Mush asked.

"Yeah," Blink said softly. Mush turned around and they sat next to each other against the wall.

"You okay? 'Cause Cowboy didn't mean nothin' by it, no one knew you was so sensitive."

"I ain't," Blink objected. "I _ain't,_ I just I don't want 'em to look at me like a freak."

"You ain't a freak."

"I am," Blink said resolutely. "But it's okay so long as no one _sees_ it. I mean, I'm blind with or without the patch, but ain't no one gotta see why."

"You mean it ain't natural?"

"Didn't you _see?_ 'Course it ain't natural."

"I didn't see, really. Don't think anyone did, you covered it up and ran so fast. We wasn't looking, really, just worried 'cause you went nuts like that."

"Oh." Blink considered that. "Nah, it ain't natural."

"What happened?"

He shrugged. "It I don't like to talk about it, okay?"

"Sure, Blink."

The silence after that was a bit more companionable. Blink reached into his pocket for a cigarette and lit it up, then offered it to Mush, who almost never smoked, but shrugged and accepted it anyway.

"It's just" Blink started, then stopped, then tried again. "My dad did it."

"Why?" Mush asked.

Blink shrugged a little. "He lost his job. Again. And he was drunk, and I guess I don't know what I did, but I musta done something. He got real mad at me" He crossed his arms over his chest for a minute, uncomfortable, then reached out and took the cigarette back from Mush. "We was in the kitchen, an he grabbed the nearest thing he got. Usually, it would be big wooden spoon or somethin', an' he'd just throw it at me. But I guess he was _real_ mad that night. 'Cause the nearest thing was the knife and he just grabbed it and he ran at me and even though I tried to run away 'cause I could see what he was doing he was bigger than me and stronger and he grabbed my arm and he _cut_ me, just kept yellin' something about my mother's eyes and I don't know what else, just that all I could see was the blood from my eye, from my face, and he did it again before he even stopped, and as soon as he loosed up a bit I just ran for it, bleedin' like crazy and everything"

Blink finally broke off the long, tangled story and gasped for a deep breath. He hadn't paused to think or anything, just spoke, since he didn't know what else to do. His narrative was hard to follow as his voice became more panicked and desperate, but he couldn't help it. Thinking about that night always made him feel scared again, even now that he knew he was hidden from his father.

Mush put an understanding hand on Blink's shoulder, not sure what else to do, unable to think of anything to say. After Blink caught his breath, he continued, a little calmer, "I ran for it, and Dad chased me to the door of the building, but I guess he didn't want anyone to see him chasing a kid with a knife like that, so he let me go. But I didn't stop running, it hurt so bad, and I could barely see I guess I kept running until I fell down and I couldn't get back up. I don't know what happened. Blacked out, I guess. 

"Woke up in a hospital. They told me someone found me, brought me in, that I'd been half-dead from bleeding. They stitched up the cuts on my face, but couldn't do anything for my eye. I wasn't gonna see from it again, never, and I got real scared Scareder when they told me they needed to find my father. I guess to pay for it all. But I thought they was gonna send me home, and I was afraid that if he found me he'd kill me or take out my other eye or something, so as soon as the stitches were out, I ran for it again. 

"I ran right into Jack selling papers and I guess he saw I was all freaked out and all, 'cause he brought me back to the lodging house I still had the bandages taped over my eye, and I didn't want to take 'em off 'cause I didn't want to see what it looked like and I didn't want anyone _else_ to see it Racetrack scared up the eye patch for me, don't know where he got it I put it on. Never take it off, never, I can't I can't stand to see myself You can see where the cuts on my face were, and my eye is It's It's still there, but it looks dead. It _is_ dead It makes me sick."

He paused to extinguish the cigarette. "I can't look at it, an' anyway, when I have the eye patch on, sometimes I can pretend that's all that's keepin' the light out. That maybe if I took it off, I'd be able to see again. So I never take it off, so I never have to really be blind"

Mush nodded a little. Blink finally seemed like he was done, and he'd begun to cry a little again. Not the same sort of sobbing he'd been doing before, just a few tears that leaked out. He wiped them away. "I just don't want no one to see," he said finally. "An' you can't tell no one about it. About my dad. Promise."

"Promise," Mush agreed.

"An' you can't tell anyone that I was That" 

"You was crying?" Mush suggested.

"Yeah. That."

"Promise," Mush repeated. "Cross my heart and everything."

"Thanks." He paused, then said it again. "Thanks, Mush. You know, you'se the best friend I ever had."

Mush just smiled.

[next chapter: Blink needs to talk to someone. Mush is gone. Luckily, Racetrack is awake, and finally gets some screen-time.]

[AN: I don't think I made it quite clear, but I actually have the whole story finished so I'm just posting it, you know, when I feel like it and have time. (Actually, that's a lie. I _don't_ have time. I have _no_ time. Freaking A, I wish I had time. But I'm posting it anyway, instead of, say, sleeping or doing homework. If I fail out of school, well Snerk. I'll probably spend all of my time writing, so maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing, right? What was I saying? Oh, right, the story) 

Incidentally, the title is really pretty random. I couldn't think of anything so I sort of grabbed at the two main themes in the story (Blink's past; his relationship with Mush. Like in the summary,) and made it up around them. His Mother's Eyes, of course, being this flashback. The cigarettes bit doesn't come up for awhile. But I just wanted to say something. Yeah.

Shout outs! Woo!

Shimmerwings – Heh, I'm just happy you're still interested in reading it after doing all the beta-ing. You still rock for that, BTW. 

Jinx – No need to track me down! Mush will show up eventually, but I'm not telling where he is yet. ;)

Arlene – Thanks! Speaking of updates :::cough::: More Standing Alone soon? Pleeeease? I'm glad you like this, because I love _your_ writing, and it just becomes a circle of mutual appreciation or something. Thanks again.

Spotted One – Heh, I watched that movie last week. Party on, dude. Thanks for letting me know you liked the story.

Geometrygal – Yeah, they've just got this _Vibe._ I don't know what it is exactly, though I usually chalk it up to "slashy" and leave it at that, but it isn't quite It's more.. I don't know, adorable, loving best friend chemistry? Sort of? Thanks for commenting too.

Chronicles Bailey – I'm glad you figured it out, I'm bad at judging how confusing time skips are. And I'm not giving away what happens with Mush, but I'm glad you're reading. ;)

Mondie – Best friends really _are_ cute, especially Mush/Blink, I think. Again, not sure why, but I luuuurve them. Here's your update. (Nice quote, BTW.)

Chelci – Thanks for the email! I'm not nearly as good with journalism as I am with fiction, sadly (and it eats up too freaking much of my time) but hopefully will improve with time. I'm glad you like this and BTN As for slashiness, well Maybe a little. (They're my favorite pairing, too.)

Thanks again to everyone! :-D

-24601]


	3. three

[disc: disney's, not mine, sadly.]

**__**

Cigarettes and his Mother's Eyes

[part three of five]

*

Blink forced the memory down, away, locked in the back of his mind where he usually kept it, and ran his fingers around the edge of his eye patch. The cold air felt strange against his exposed eye.

Someone cleared his throat conspicuously, and Blink whirled around, hand pressed firmly over his bad eye, to see who. He squinted and could make out Racetrack lying on his side in bed, head propped on one hand. "Ain't never seen you take that off before," Racetrack said.

Blink turned away and hurriedly pulled the patch into it's usual place. He knew that there was no way Race could have made anything out anyway, but a wave of paranoia crept through him. 

"I woke you up?" Blink asked.

"I been awake," Race answered.

"How long?"

"All night. I don't sleep much." He sat up in bed and reached for the table next to him. Blink expected him to go for a cigar, but instead he found his worn deck of cards.

"Why not?"

"Can't." He shrugged. "Why're you up? I never seen you wake up before. Mush said I coulda set fire to your bed an' you'd sleep through it."

Blink almost smiled. That was probably true, though Mush would wake him up, of course. Except that Mush was gone. Probably forever. The smile faded from his face as quickly as it had appeared.

"Just thinkin' about some things," Blink said finally.

"Since when do you think?" Racetrack asked. "Ain't that Mush's job?"

"Mush ain't here," Blink said dismally, as Racetrack began to shuffle the cards quietly. Blink felt like they were talking too loudly, and someone was bound to wake up and hear them, and after he'd almost been caught without his eye patch, he didn't feel like explaining anything. Racetrack had a notoriously loud mouth, sometimes. He carefully got up and walked over to Mush's bed, sat down on it and watched as Racetrack sat up in his own and began to lay out a game of solitaire on the bed's foot. For a fleeting second, Blink wondered how it was possible for Race to play in the dark, since there was no way he could see the cards, but half-figured he could tell them by feel by now. The deck was awfully worn, after all, he'd had the same one for as long as Blink had known him. 

"Yeah. Heh." Race didn't laugh, he said it just like that. "Usually, I end up sittin' up wit' him, worryin' about you. Weird to do it the other way around."

"Who says I'se worried about Mush?" Blink asked defensively.

Racetrack glanced up and gave him an amused look, though it was too dark for him to see it clearly. "Mush ain't here an' you'se awake thinkin' about things. What else could it be?"

"Lotsa things," Blink objected. "I ain't all that concerned about Mush."

"If you says so." Racetrack began to play, moving cards around. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Nope." Blink watched him play for a minute. "Why can't you sleep?"

"I'se an insomniac." He smirked over at Blink for a second. "Sorry, the word too big for you?"

"I know what it means," Blink snapped. 

"So you an' Mush have a fight or what?" He played another card.

"What makes you think that?"

"'Cause you'se awake an' Mush ain't here." He flipped a card from the deck and moved it, then moved a whole pile. "An' I saw you stomp outta the alley earlier."

"So?"

"So sometimes you can be a real moron. What'd you two argue about, huh?"

"Ain't none of your business," Blink said, then realized he'd admitted that he _had_ gotten into a fight. "You ever sleep, Race?" he asked, before he could get asked another question that would make him give anything else away.

"Now an' then. When I can't take it no more an' pass out."

"You never look tired."

Racetrack put up one of the aces. "I act real good."

"Oh."

"Lotsa us are actors, an' no one even knows," he said.

Blink stared. "What're you saying?" he demanded.

"You an' Mush start fighting outta the blue, an' you think I can't guess why?" Racetrack answered, putting up another ace and piling a few cards on top of it.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Then you'se awful dumb." He took another card from the deck.

"Maybe not as dumb as you think."

"Sure." He played a few more cards before breaking the silence. "Is Mush gonna come home?" he asked finally.

"I dunno," Blink said. "Doubt it. He thinks I'm real mad at him."

"Are you?"

"Yeah." Blink tiredly leaned against the post that held up the upper bunk. He wished he could get to sleep. "But I want him to come home anyway."

"Why's that?"

"'Cause he's my best friend."

Race nodded a little. "He's better at makin' you feel good than I am," he said casually, picking up the cards he'd discarded and starting again, flipping over one at a time. "I ain't the one who does that stuff."

"Whaddaya mean?"

"When you get upset. An' Mush takes care a' ya." He played the first card, and put it over one of the ace piles.

"How do you know about that?"

"By watching."

"Since when do you watch me?"

"I watch everything."

"I ain't never seen you do it."

"You ain't s'posed to."

Blink gave his friend a strange look. "You'se a real odd guy, Racetrack," he said finally. "Why can't you sleep at night?"

"What happened to your eye?" Racetrack countered.

Blink scowled. He supposed it was only fair; all of the newsies had one or two skeletons in their closets they didn't want to drag out. For Blink, it was his eye; for Racetrack, he supposed, it was whatever it was that kept him up at night. And he shouldn't ask questions if he wasn't willing to answer some of his own, which he wasn't.

Racetrack smirked as he put up a third ace. 

"Ya know," he mused, "solitaire's a real lonely game. I mean, ya gotta be alone to play it. All by yourself." He moved some cards around. "An' you almost never win, anyway."

"So?" Blink asked.

"Ain't you gonna miss Mush?"

Blink nodded a little.

"You so mad at him you'se willing to never see him again?"

"Dunno," Blink answered honestly. He didn't feel angry, but he had that afternoon, when they'd fought. When he'd told Mush he didn't want to see him again And he was hurt that Mush had kept secrets from him, important ones, ones that Blink didn't want to think about and had never wanted to know. _That_ was really what made him so angry, the fact that Mush hadn't trusted him with the secrets, even though he didn't like them–never mind what they actually were. Things that Blink wasn't thrilled with, but could get over. But he could never get over having spilled his guts to his best friend about everything in his life, being led to believe that Mush had done the same for him, and then finding out that it was all a lie.

It was a slap in the face. _That_ was what had him so mad.

_Solitaire's a lonely game,_ he thought, watching Racetrack play. He wondered if Racetrack was really lonely, and wondered again what could drive him to insomnia. _You almost never win. All by yourself._

Racetrack hadn't been talking about cards, had he?

"So what do I do, Race?" he asked.

Racetrack flipped up another card from the deck, picked it up, and stared at it for a second as though he couldn't tell what it was. He turned it around a bit, trying to catch the light.. "He ain't gonna come back," Racetrack said as he finally set the card down. From it's position, Blink could tell it was the fourth ace. Racetrack practically had the game won, now. "'Cause he probably thinks you hate him. Knowing you."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You get awful mad awful fast, an' you says stupid things when you'se mad," Race answered calmly, placing a whole mess of cards on top of the aces. He paused to take another from the deck, then continued stacking. "An' he'll think you meant 'em. So he ain't gonna come back unless he knows you don't."

"How's he gonna know that unless he comes back, though?"

Racetrack stared at him for a long moment, and Blink stared back, waiting for an answer. He got the distinct feeling Racetrack figured he'd come to it himself, but no solutions sprang to mind, so Blink just waited. Finally, Racetrack looked away, turned back to his cards and flipped over the last one. He placed it triumphantly on the top, four complete stacks of four different suits. "Ya gotta _find_ him, ya moron," he said, when Blink didn't guess.

"How?"

"Ain't you his best friend? You oughta know where to look. Better than I would."

"Yeah, but" He trailed off. "You mean _now?_ The middle of the night?"

"Were you gonna sleep anyway?"

Blink sighed and sat up straight again. He probably wouldn't have fallen asleep anyway, Racetrack was right. "Awright," he said. "You'se right, I guess. I'll go find him."

"Good." Racetrack stacked the four piles together and then cut them in half, preparing to shuffle again. "You want company?"

Blink seriously considered taking him up on his offer, but hesitated. When he found Mush, there was a lot they needed to tell each other. He needed to explain why it was he was so hurt, and he knew that Mush had some explaining to do. A_ lot_ of explaining to do. And probably neither would want to do it with someone else there.

"Nah." He paused and looked back at Racetrack, now shuffling cards. "Will you be okay?"

"I'll be fine."

"You gonna get to sleep okay?"

"Prob'ly not tonight. Maybe I'll pass out at Sheepshead tomorrow or somethin'."

Blink laughed a little as he walked back to his bed to put his shoes on. "You serious?"

"I done it before."

"What happened?"

"I woke up in a puddle with all my money gone. Shoes too."

Blink finished tying his laces and chuckled, though he wasn't sure if Racetrack was kidding or not. "Enjoy your cards," he said. "Sorry you'se gotta play alone."

"Nah, I like it that way, most a' the time." He began to lay out another game. "But you ain't like me like that. Go find Mush."

Blink grabbed another layer of clothes and pulled them on over his others, knowing how cold it was. "Yeah" He walked away then, wondering just how Racetrack knew everything he seemed to. He really _was_ a strange guy.

The cold wind whipped at Blink's face the moment he stepped outside, throwing his hair around like crazy. He bit his lip and thought, trying to figure out where Mush might be. And as he thought about where his friend might have gone, he couldn't help but think about what had happened.

[next chapter: just what were Mush and Blink fighting about, anyway?]

[AN: All hail Racetrack, for he is smarter than everyone else. (Well. At least, he's my favorite, which means the same thing in the end, right?) I do actually have a story planned that explains why Race is an insomniac, and some day when I have time (ahahahahahaha) I'll actually write about it. But it really has nothing to do with this story, aside from the brief mention here.

Not related to the story, but I just want to point out, my boyfriend got me the Newsies soundtrack for Valentine's Day. I *heart* Dan.

The next chapter will be entirely flashback. So that's exciting.

  
Shoutouts!

Misprint — I hadn't thought of "scared it up" like that :::giggles::: I'm sorry it freaked out, I've never written anything eerie-like before, so I'm glad it worked. Thanks for reviewing. 

Arlene — I hope you're enjoying vacation, but I also hope you come home and update soon. :::cough:::

Geometrygal — Mmm, best friends. They definitely click.

Sierra — Glad you like it, thanks for reviewing. ;) 

Mondie — Here's some updation for you, though I'm not sure this is a "yayhappy" story It does have some M/B slashiness coming up, though. Sorta Mwahahaha.

Shimmerwings — :::Mush!muse grabs Blink and refuses to let go; Blink gives you a pained look::: Heh. I'll definitely take you up on your offer, as soon as I have something else vaguely finished to send. You rule.

And with that, I'm off to go pretend I don't have about three hundred pages of reading to do. More will be up in a few days.

-24601]


	4. four

[disclaimer: despite having tiny versions of these guys running around my head, they belong to disney. pout. sulk.]

__

****

Cigarettes and His Mother's Eyes

[part four of five]

*

Mush was sitting out in the alley alone. Blink stared from the mouth of the street, saw his best friend sink back against the building and slide to the ground. He didn't realize he was being watched; he'd slipped out from the square without attracting attention, and Blink was supposed to be off on a date. She'd cancelled–or rather, he'd shown up and she'd dumped him–and he'd come home disappointed. He'd seen Racetrack and Mush talking, and then Racetrack shrugged, playfully slapped Mush a little, and went off for a game of cards. Mush had watched him go, then quietly slipped off to the alley, alone.

_I didn't know you went out there, too,_ Blink thought. It had always been him, upset and seeking solitude, and Mush following him back there. Blink reached for a cigarette, found one in his pocket, and stepped into the alley. "You okay?" he asked.

Mush looked up and stared a little. "Ain't you supposed to be out?" he returned.

"I got dumped."

_"You_ got dumped?" Mush asked, trying to sound amused.

"Can I sit down or what?"

Mush gestured to the space next to him, and Blink took it, pulled out the cigarette and lit it. He took a drag and handed it to Mush, who hesitated, then shook his head no. "Since when do you get dumped?"

"Ah, it ain't a big deal. She wasn't gonna" He trailed off, leering suggestively.

"If that was why you was dating her, I don't blame her."

Blink had the good grace to look guilty. Mush sighed. "Can't be healthy, Blink, it can't."

"You'se just sayin' that 'cause you've never had a steady girl," Blink teased.

"Not all of us want things like you do," Mush said, his voice more bitter than he'd planned. Blinked looked over at him, realizing something was wrong, that there was probably a reason Mush had come to sit out here alone.

"You okay?" he asked again, again offering the cigarette.

Mush stared at his hand, the offered cigarette, and the smoke rising from it as though it held the answers to everything in the world. He reached out slowly and accepted it, set it between his lips, and paused. He shook his head and handed it back. "I hate those," he said.

"Then why do you smoke 'em?" Blink questioned.

Mush stared at Blink's hand, the one that clutched the cigarette, and watched as his friend casually took a drag. He looked up into Blink's face.

"You ever had a secret, one you ain't You ain't never told no one?" he finally asked.

"Lotsa things I ain't told no one but you."

"No, I mean no one at all. Not even me."

"I tell you everything, Mush. You know that."

"Yeah." Mush pulled his knees up a bit and wrapped his arms around them, hoping to ward off the cold by curling into a smaller space, conserving his own body heat. "So why'd she dump you?" he asked.

"'Cause I'm a one-eyed freak," he answered bitterly.

"What?"

Blink sighed. "Last time we was out, she asked me about my eye, an' I wouldn't tell her She got upset 'cause she thinks it means I don't trust her or somethin'. I tried to tell her no one knows, it ain't no one's business by mine, but she wasn't happy about it. So when I showed up today, all I got was, 'Sorry, Kid, you'se nice an' all, but'" He slammed a fist against the wall behind him. "Why do they always have to ask?"

"Dunno."

Blink took another drag. "So what about you? Why you out here alone?"

Mush shrugged.

"You feelin' down or somethin'? We could go for a drink, I think I got enough saved–"

"Keep savin' it. Slump time until Thanksgiving," Mush reminded him.

"Yeah, yeah." Blink elbowed his friend in the side. "An' I gotta save up to cover your ass, huh?" he teased. They both knew he could outsell Mush any day, and always did. He had since they'd gotten old enough that Mush's baby-face wasn't pathetic enough to sell papers any more.

"You ain't gotta," Mush said, his voice sounding hurt. "I don't want you to."

"Don' worry about it," Blink said, realizing that he'd made a mistake in teasing somehow. It was sometimes so hard to predict Mush's mood "What's a' matter, you really sound blue. Girl break your heart when I wasn't lookin'?"

"Not a girl," Mush mumbled into his arm, looking down at the dirty ground.

"So what happened?"

Mush looked up and stared at Blink again, a little bit desperately. "Blink, I–" he stopped. "It's just." He stopped. "Nevermind."

"No, tell me," Blink insisted. "It can't be so big, right? I know all the important stuff about you."

Mush almost laughed at that. "You don't," he answered. "You don't know a thing about me."

"Whaddaya mean I don't?" Blink demanded. "You been keepin' somethin' a secret from me?"

"Yeah." Mush straightened out and leant back against the building again. He reached out and Blink surrendered the cigarette. Mush smoked for a second, then handed it back, and when Blink reached for it he grabbed his hand. "Blink, if I tell you, you can't You gotta promise not to hate me."

"Whaddaya mean?" Blink repeated. "I ain't gonna hate you. Ain't nothing about you to hate."

"Sure there is." Mush released Blink's hand.

"C'mon, it can't be nothin' that bad."

"Sure it can." Mush looked away from his friend. "Blink, I'se queer," he said finally, quickly.

Blink burst out laughing. "You _what?"_ he asked.

"You heard me."

"That ain't funny, Mush." Blink stopped laughing and stared at his friend. He clutched what remained of the cigarette tightly.

"I ain't laughin', am I?" Mush asked.

"You mean you'se _serious?"_

"Yeah."

Blink stared. Mush finally turned back towards him, trying to read his face, but not liking what he saw. Blink's mouth was closed in a tight-lipped frown, his eye was narrowed, glaring, and he'd pulled himself as far away from Mush as he could without actually getting up and moving.

They sat there like that for what felt like an eternity. Finally, Mush couldn't stand it, and murmured, "Well?"

"Well _what?"_ Blink demanded.

"Well say something about it, huh?" Mush begged. 

"What do you want me to say?"

"Say whatever. Just say _something."_

Blink looked away. "Sure. I'll say something." He stood up. "You was supposed to be my best friend, Mush Meyers."

"I _am_ your best friend, Blink that ain't different."

"My best friend?" Blink scoffed, his voice mocking as well as angry. 

"I–"

"My best friend ain't a fag," Blink said coldly, stood up, and started to walk away.

Mush sprang to his feet. "Wait," he said. "Wait, you gotta wait, please Kid Blink, you _gotta_ wait. There's one more thing you gotta hear, an' I promise if you listen I'll go away an' I won't come back. You'll never have to see me again, ever. _Promise."_

Blink turned back towards him, everything in his body language screaming anger. "What?" he snarled.

"Blink, I–I think I'm in love with you. I mean, I _am_ in love with you, I have been for years. I I'se real sorry about it, about all a' this, but I can't help it."

Blink clenched a fist, a thousand thoughts running through his mind, none of them pleasant and none of them really coherent. He couldn't figure out how to say a single one, and finally spat, "So all those times you was _nice_ to me–what, you wanted to get me in bed?"

"You know it ain't like that," Mush said defensively, trying not to sound like he was on the brink of breaking down.

"Christ, I _slept_ in your _bed_ an'–you'se fucked up, Meyers. _Real_ fucked up."

"Kid Blink, _please"_ Mush took a step towards him, not sure what to do, hoping somehow to convince him to take everything back, to stay and talk, but knowing it wasn't going to work. He knew Blink too well for that.

"Get the hell outta my life."

Blink cast him a long final glance. He turned again and strode out of the alley, dropping the final remnants of the cigarette, still too shocked to know how he really felt, only clear that he'd been betrayed. He'd told Mush Meyers every single secret he had, and in return got this dropped on him. 

Mush stood behind him, alone. He stared after his friend, then sank back down to the alley floor, kneeling, doubled over at the waist, his forehead almost touching the ground. He always figured he'd cry when he finally told Blink, when Blink finally hated him–he'd never doubted that would happen–but now felt too empty even for that.

He'd just gotten himself thrown out of Blink's life, forever. Tears wouldn't have been enough. So he knelt there, wondering why he was still bothering to breathe, alone with the dying ember of one last shared cigarette.

[next chapter: things wrap up. Will Mush be coming back or not?]

[AN: This is my favorite section of the story, actually, and I'm really proud of how it came out. I mean, Blink's not the nicest guy in here, but I feel like I did a decent job with his reaction. I hope. Feel free to let me know if that was off Several billion thank you's to Shimmerwings, who helped with this part a lot. She rocks.

Thanks to everyone who commented on Race's part in the last chapter. I _am_ working on his story now, though it's pretty slow going, since I have less of a clear idea where it's going to end up, but I'm working on it. Expect that in, um, about a million years. (Or the end of the semester; whichever comes first. Right now, it feels like a million years) 

That's all from me for this chapter! Things wrap up next time, for better or for worst, I'll try and have that up by Thursday at the latest. Meanwhile, drive safely in the snow and whatnot, unless you don't live in the northeast where it's blizzards as far as the eye can see (But hey, it got me out of my three hour journalism class today, so it's okay by me)

Shout outs!

Aura — Thanks! ;) I hope you continue to enjoy it.

Bottles — Heh, Racetrack playing online cards would be great in a modern day type fic I'm glad you enjoyed it. And man, writing papers sucks. (I'm guessing English is on par with American Studies and Politics)

Omni — Thank you! I'm working on the Race fic, sloooooowly. But hopefully soon. ;)

Mis — Thanks, I'm the comparison works. And I also definitely love Racetrack, but then, who doesn't?

Mondie — Thank you! Writing Race making fun of people is fun, so I'm glad it's enjoyable to read, too. Here's your updation.

Thanks again, everyone. Here's hoping for more snow days!

-24601]


	5. five

[disclaimer: :::blink!muse walks out, mutters something about how it's a damn good thing Disney owns them, not me, because I do terrible things to my favorite characters:::]

**__**

Cigarettes and His Mother's Eyes

[part five of five]

*

The cold pulled him back to reality, back to the present, to the night instead of the afternoon, and he began to try and take stock of things again. The most obvious place to check for Mush was right behind the lodging house itself, where they'd always gone to be alone, but that was a little _too_ obvious, really. Blink only glanced back there to make sure that he didn't end up wandering around all night and come back to see Mush shivering right outside where he'd been to begin with. But he was right–no such luck. 

He gathered his thoughts, managed to keep them on track this time, now fully awake thanks to the cold air that chapped his lips and made him shiver as he walked, even through two layers of clothes. Mush would want to be somewhere in out of the weather, since even without snow on the ground yet, this was the sort of cold that killed off the homeless folks. And if he wasn't out of it _No, Mush is smarter than that. Even if he's upset and not thinking, he'll find somewhere to stay._

The options were pretty limited, though. Assuming Mush had stayed in Manhattan–which was likely, since he didn't know the rest of the city that well–there were a handful of other lodging houses. One was only a few blocks away; mostly kids who hawked for the _Journal_ lived there. It was unlikely he'd stay there–a few weeks ago, a miniature feud between papers had broken out, and even though it was settled no one was really on speaking terms yet–but worth a shot. Except that, since it was the middle of the night, no one was going to be awake to let him in.

_Well, breakin' in can't be harder than getting out, right?_ he asked himself, confident he could do it. He'd managed to leave dozens of apartments in a hurry when his date's parents showed up home early, a useful skill. But still, not one he was looking forward to trying out the other way around If he woke someone up, at best the _Journal_ kids would think he was pulling something at Jack's orders; more likely they'd think that _and_ beat the hell out of him. And the feud would erupt again. 

Mush would have realized that. He kept walking towards the _Journal_ house, but doubts played through his mind. _If Mush really don't want me coming after him, he'd be there, 'cause he knows I'd have to be real stupid to go after him. So maybe he'd go there to keep me away. But I don't know if he'd want to, 'cause a' the feud an' all, and 'cause he probably doesn't think I _would_ come after him._

Blink remembered walking out of the alley. He hadn't looked back, because he knew too well what Mush's face would look like. He'd seen the crushed, hopeless look on Mush's face during the strike, when Jack was scabbing. He'd been so desperate for it to be a lie, they all were, but Mush was the one who showed everything on his face. Blink had been angry himself, he'd seen Racetrack bite back that same kind of anger for Les' sake, and Spot's reaction had left everyone else's in the dust. Eight people held the kid back, and he was _still_ trying to launch himself over the police line.

They'd all been satisfied to see David try and take a swing at Jack. They'd all wanted to do it, except Mush, who looked like he just wanted to cry, like his faith in the world had been dashed. And Blink was certain that was the look Mush was giving his back as he strode away, and even as betrayed as he felt, he knew that if he saw Mush giving him that look, he'd have stopped. But Mush hadn't known that. Mush had no reason to suspect Blink was coming to find him.

So Mush probably wouldn't even be hiding. Or would he? He'd probably have gone for distance if he'd run away, and that meant he could be almost anywhere in Manhattan, if he'd grabbed a trolley. _Damn it,_ Blink cursed mentally, looking around desperately. The wind picked up again for a second, and he shut his eye to it, trying to keep it from going dry or freezing.

He needed to think somewhere where he wasn't in danger of freezing to death. _Prob'ly shoulda worked that out before I left home, _he realized. _Can't go back now; Racetrack would_

Well, Racetrack probably wouldn't do anything but make him feel guilty. As though he didn't feel guilty enough. Which meant finding somewhere _else_ to think, which was almost as hard at this hour of the night as finding Mush would be. All of the newsies' usual spots were closed, even though it was only a little after one AM, and he didn't have enough money to afford any of the nightclubs. 

He walked aimlessly for a few blocks, and stopped when he saw a small bar. He and Mush had stopped here once, when they'd been too late for curfew. It had been summer, they weren't worried about sleeping inside anyway, but had missed dinner, and this place was open and cheap, their only requirements. They'd joked about it, slapped each other on the back, and shared a beer.

Blink tried to let go of the memory, now bittersweet in his mind. He missed Mush. He was still pissed that Mush hadn't told him, and he felt almost used, somehow. He could picture the conversation he'd have had with Mush out in the alley, if this had happened with any other friend.

_"It's just, he's my best friend," I'd say, and Mush would roll his eyes._

"So what's the problem, then?"

"The problem is all those times I mean, things he did that I never thought about. Like when I'd come in late and my bed was taken, I'd lie down on his an' he was real nice for never complainin', but I mean, did he like_ it or somethin'? An' when he'd hug me or put his arm around my shoulder–I mean, I did it to him too, 'cause we're friends and all. But I never thought about it"_

"So?" Mush would probably ask again, and steal the cigarette from my hand

He made his way to the bar and dug through his pockets. The bartender gave him a skeptical look–he was pretty young, but this wasn't the sort of place where they asked questions like that–and when provided with a coin, he produced a mug of cheap beer and a muffin anyway. Blink picked at the muffin a little, though it was at least a week old and stale enough that breaking it apart took effort, and returned to his mental conversation with Mush.

_"So what?" I'd snap at him. "I just feel weird about the whole thing."_

"Well, did he treat the other guys different?" Mush'd probably ask, 'cause that's the sort of thing he always asks.

"Nah, he always did that to all of 'em, just like we all do. I mean, you know how we are, you an' me an' Racetrack, we can barely go without hitting each other for five minutes."

"Then why's it any different? You think that just 'cause he loved you he wasn't controlling himself or something?"

"I guess I thought that." 

Blink frowned and took a gulp of the beer. It was terrible, but he wasn't going to complain. He got what he paid for, after all. _I guess I thought that_ Blink thought again, this time to himself instead of to his imaginary version of Mush. _So he scared me, and I didn't know what to think. If I had just waited a minute, got hold of my goddamn temper for once, I bet he'd have explained or something. I wouldn't have made him promise to get out of my life. I don't _want_ him out of my life._

Mush, you're supposed to be my best friend

He tried the muffin again, but gave up, afraid it might break one of his teeth, and glanced around the bar. People were still milling around; a group over in one corner would whisper to each other for a few minutes, then burst into loud guffaws over something, a man and woman were drinking off at one table, and some poor guy with curly hair was sitting on the other end of the bar, one arm folded over the counter top, his head leaning against it, his other hand clutching a beer bottle. There were two empty ones sitting next to him.

_Poor guy must be heartbroken or something. Drinking his sorrows away._

Blink turned back to his own drink, then froze. He looked back at the guy sitting down the bar from him, wishing it wasn't so damned smoky and dark in the room, or that he had better eyesight or something, because that guy looked Just Like

_I guess you got in from the cold after all._

He stood up, picked up his drink and his alleged muffin, and walked over. "Mind if I sit down?" he asked.

The guy looked up at him. It _was_ Mush, he was right, though Mush didn't look terribly good. He stared for a second, his eyes wider than usual, and nodded a little. But the nodding made him violently dizzy, and he almost fell off the stool. 

Blink saw the discarded bottles, and wondered how much Mush had had to drink, and how long ago he'd started. He debated asking the bartender, but didn't bother. "You okay?" he asked instead. 

"What're you _doing_ here?" Mush mumbled instead of answering, and took another drink from his bottle. His hand was shaking. Blink reached out and steadied it, then took the bottle out of his hand and set it down. He pressed the muffin into the hand instead, figuring that eating might help Mush sober up some, and asked the bartender for a glass of water. The glass didn't look terribly clean and the water was the same shade as the beer, but at least it wasn't alcoholic.

Mush accepted them wordlessly, though he gave up on the muffin almost as quickly as Blink had. They sat in silence for quite awhile, neither one willing to make another move to talk to the other, and finally Blink lit a cigarette. He offered it to Mush.

"No." Mush said it coldly, the closest to mean his voice ever got. His voice was surprisingly strong, given that he looked like he was about to pass out.

"You sure?"

"I hate those" his voice was less strong now. He took another gulp of water and continued. "I only ever smoked 'em 'cause you did Never smoked no one else's"

"What?"

"You wanna know?" Mush asked dismally. Blink nodded a little, not sure what Mush was talking about, and Mush continued sickly, "They They always tasted like you A little, I thought I mean, I always wanted I wanted to taste your lips for myself, but you ain't like me, so I never" He trailed off then, staring down at the bar. "I'll get outta here now," he finally decided, and started to move to stand.

Blink put a hand on his shoulder, put just enough pressure on it to make him stop and sit back down. "You try an' stand now, you'll fall over," he said. "I've seen you drunk before."

Mush swallowed hard, and tried to dissect the muffin with shaking hands. It fell apart into a few sections and he stopped playing with it. "Why're you here?" he asked again.

Blink shrugged. "Looking for you, I guess."

"Why?"

"'Cause it was cold out an' I was worried about you." 

"Why?"

"Why you gotta know why, huh?" Blink demanded, mostly joking, not really expecting an answer.

"'Cause you'se supposed to hate me," Mush answered. He picked up a bit of the muffin. "I'd hate me. If I was you." He ate it, though it took him a minute to actually get it chewed.

"I don't hate you. I'm mad at you. But I don't hate you."

Mush looked over at him for the first time. "If you'se so mad, why look for me?"

"'Cause you're my best friend," Blink reminded him.

"Your best friend ain't a fag," Mush quoted bitterly.

Blink winced from the memory of what he'd said. "I didn't mean it," he offered finally. "You know me. Impulsive."

"Yeah. And an asshole."

"What?" Well, _that_ had caught him by surprise. _Mush Meyers cussing out his best friend. That's on the list a' stuff I never thought would happen._ He almost said so aloud, but stopped. _Yeah, on the list, right after him tellin' me he's queer and in love with me._

Mush didn't say anything. No apologies, no explanations, but no more insults, either. 

"So you wanna talk here where it's warm or do I gotta drag you back to the alley behind the house?" Blink finally demanded.

"Get away from me."

"What?" Blink asked again.

Mush put down the water and reached for his beer bottle. "I left you alone, when you wanted me to. Jus' like I promised. So you wanna do the same?"

"Mush, what's your problem? Why're _you_ so mad?"

Mush took a drink before Blink could stop him and point out that he probably didn't need any more. 

"It ain't gonna work," Mush said to him finally. "You and me. Friends. It _ain't_ gonna _work."_

"Whaddaya mean?"

"It can't work, Kid. You'se here now 'cause you think you'll wake up tomorrow an' things'll be the same as they was yesterday. Like this'll go away. But it ain't gonna. We wake up tomorrow in the lodgin' house, and I'll still be queer. An' the day after that, an' the day after that, too. It ain't gonna change."

"So?" Blink demanded.

"So I know you, an' you feel real bad right now, 'cause we'se friends, but you ain't _thinkin'._ You never do. You want things back to normal, an' you figure if you come an' get me, it'll all go _back_ to normal somehow. But it won't. Can't."

Blink took a swig of his own drink. Mush knew him too well. "Yeah, but" he said.

"No buts. It's true, you know it, an' I know it. An' from now on, everything you tell me, every time we joke fight or whatever, you'se gonna wonder what's goin' through my head, if I'm thinking about you."

Damn it. Mush really _did_ know him too well. 

"So?"

"So I _am_ gonna be thinking about you, Blink. Course I am. I _love_ you. An' you'se gonna _hate_ knowing that."

"Yeah," Blink admitted.

"It'll be easier if I just go."

"Where you gonna go, huh?" Blink demanded, trying to find some way to make Mush stop reading his mind.

Mush shrugged a little. "They need newsies all over, right? I can get on a train or somethin' There's other cities."

"Don't be dumb. You ain't leavin' New York."

"I could."

"Nah, you couldn't. You an' me help each other, an' without you, I prob'ly couldn't get dinner at night." It seemed nicer than saying it the other way around, which was more likely.

"You don't need to be nice to me," Mush told him. "You'll be fine. An' if you wasn't, Jack an' Race an' everyone–"

"They ain't you." 

"Ain't that the point?"

Blink tapped a few fingers against the bar, frustrated. "But Mush, you–look, I was real mad this afternoon. Still am kinda mad, but I at least thought about it some, an' I ain't mad at you for being queer or nothin'."

"Thanks." Mush shot him a dark look, and Blink realized again he'd said some stupid things. Of course Mush was mad at him, too.

"I don't mean it like than an' you know it," Blink said, a half-apology. Mush shrugged a little, a gesture of some sort of acceptance. "What I mean is I got real mad 'cause you 'cause I was"

"Scared?" Mush suggested.

"Yeah, shut up." It was true. Mush had startled him, really, and he didn't know _how_ to react. "But I was only _mad_ 'cause you didn't tell me sooner. 'Cause you'se my best friend, an' I'm supposed to help you with stuff like that." He looked over at his friend, letting some of the hurt he felt show in his face. "Jus' How come you never told me before?"

"'Cause I knew you'd get mad. You'd hate me. 'Cause I knew as soon as I told you, I'd have to leave an' couldn't never go back, an' I wanted to be with you at least a little, an' all our friends an' the lodgin' house an' all..." Mush started to drink again, but Blink took the bottle firmly from his hand and gestured towards the water cup. "What are you, my mother?"

"You ain't gonna like it when you got a headache tomorrow," Blink warned him. 

"What do _you_ care, huh? I ain't gonna be in the lodgin' house."

"Sure you is. I ain't takin' no for an answer. You'se comin' home with me."

Mush took a drink of the water. "Blink, I can't."

"Why not? I I ain't mad no more. I ain't. You said you'd get outta my life an' I said yes after but I shouldn't a'... I was stupid, real stupid. An' I thought I'd lost my best friend, 'cause I thought you'd been lying to me for years. But I guess you was right, I did get real mad, an' I can see why you wouldn't want to tell me But I know now. An' I don't care, Mush. I really _don't._ You'se my best friend, an' if I let you leave 'cause a' this, I'll hate myself forever. An' I'll hate you for goin'. You know I will."

Mush nodded a little. "Kid Blink" he said. "What about the other part?"

"You'se in love with me?" Blink asked. Mush nodded, and Blink gave him his usual cocky grin. "Can't blame you for having good taste, can I?"

"Aw, shaddup."

Blink laughed a little. "But you'll get over it, won't you?"

"I ain't yet. It's been four years at least."

"Yeah, but I ain't never rejected you before. An' I know what that's like, 'cause I been turned down by _lots_ a' girls I loved. An' you stop lovin' 'em real fast after that."

"Yeah, when you fall in love twice a month you do," Mush said bitterly. "I ain't never loved no one but you."

"It'll go away."

"An' if It don't?"

Blink's smile wavered back to discomfort. "We'll figure it out."

"How?"

"Dunno. But we will."

"What makes you so sure?"

"'Cause you'se my best friend. An' I'm yours, right? I ain't gonna throw away five years of that for one stupid fight."

"But" Mush hesitated. He didn't want to have to stand by and watch Blink with girls anymore; he didn't want to stand by and play the best friend when that wasn't what he wanted anymore. But at the same time, if the only alternative was leaving Blink's life forever He forced the thoughts to the back of his mind. Maybe Blink was right, and now that he'd heard the rejection for real, knew the fantasies had no _chance_ of being true, really, he'd get over them. Maybe. He could hope for it, he had to. And maybe things really would go back to normal then. "You sure?" he asked finally.

"Sure I'm sure."

"What about the other guys? What'll they think?"

"I ain't gonna tell 'em. But if you do, anyone who says anything to ya gets soaked. By me," he said firmly. "An' I'm pretty sure Race'll have your back, too. An' if he does, Jack will. An' the four of us can take on anyone."

Mush nodded a tiny bit and finished the water. Blink took one last swig of beer. "You done?" he asked.

"Yep," Mush agreed. "But you'se sure–"

"Ask me that one more time, an' I ain't gonna help you scam Racetrack at cards no more." 

Mush finally cracked a smile at that; Racetrack never lost, except for once when the boys had gotten together to pull the wool over his eyes. He'd been angry at them for weeks, but it had been worth it to see him sputter around that stupid cigar of his. "Awright, I trust you," Mush said.

"Good. Let's go home."

He stood and waited while Mush disentangled his feet, stepped down from the stool, missed the ground and nearly fell. Blink caught him, put an arm around his shoulder to steady him, and helped his slightly drunk friend towards the door. It was odd; he'd never have thought twice about walking arm in arm like this before, probably wouldn't have thought about it at _all,_ and now Now he noticed it. He figured he'd probably notice lots of things in the next few weeks, though. _ But I'll get used to it,_ he told himself. _An' me an' Mush will be okay._

Mush realized that moving was a bad idea the second they hit outside, and doubled over, retching, ridding his stomach of the alcohol that had been stewing there. Blink laughed, knowing just how bad Mush was at drinking. If nothing else, _this_ was normal Things were definitely going to be okay.

Mush was asleep the second his head hit the pillow, before he'd even had a chance to take off his shoes. Blink sighed and glanced around the quiet room, though it was still too dark to really see anything. No one was awake, and everything was silent aside from the creaks of beds as people rolled over, the occasional snore, and Snitch's loud thumb sucking. Even Racetrack seemed to be asleep now, his deck of cards still clutched in one of his hands.

Blink rolled his eye silently at that, as he sat on Mush's bed and began to untie his friend's shoelaces, then set the shoes next to Mush's bed and made his way to his own. He began removing clothing and had just lay down, was actually almost asleep, when he heard it.

"Heh." It wasn't laughter, it was a statement. He rolled back over to try and peer past Mush's bed.

"What's so funny this time, Race?"

Racetrack propped himself up on an arm again. "Usually, it's Mush draggin' _you _ home stinking drunk an' puttin' you to bed. Just funny for it to be the other way. 'S like you'se a grown up or somethin'."

"Aw, shaddup."

"So you an' Mush, you'se gonna be okay?"

Blink glanced at this sleeping friend. "Yeah," he said, and smiled. "Yeah, Mush an' me will be fine." With that, he rolled back over, shut his good eye, and drifted off into his usual deep sleep.

[fin]

[_Well, that worked pretty well, so, what else?_

Coming someday — a much shorter, fluffier piece of Mush/Blink slashiness (I actually _can_ write happy things! Really,) and two stories about Racetrack. The first is almost ready to post; the other two are in various planning/drafting stages. So, you know, look for those, if you want ;) ]

[AN: And thus ends the saga of Mush's angsty, unrequited slash. Except that it's my favorite stuff to write, so, you know, I'll probably end up writing more of it. Pity Mush and Blink (or at least the versions who've taken up residence in my head), for they are abused. :::hugs them::: I have this bizarre problem, where I beat up my favorite characters. I don't know what causes this, but they all want to sue for damages and emotional strain. (And Blink for defamation of character)

Anyway, let's see Very short reference to Arlene's fabulous _Standing Alone_ in there, which everyone should read, what with the Blink and the Racetrack yelling and all. 

Errr I feel like I had a lot more to say than this. How very odd. Usually I can talk about my writing for hours on end, until everyone nearby just wants to strangle me. (It's true.) Hopefully people liked the ending; I didn't want it to be depressing, I didn't want them to get together, so this seemed like a happy-ish medium. Any and all feedback will be greatly appreciated, and probably also make me squeak. (Also true)

Oh, yeah, I wrote a short review of the movie, which anyone who wants to read can find from the link in my information, since ffnet won't let me even put in the URL here, let alone a link... So there's that, if anyone's interested.

Once again, many thanks to Shimmerwings and Ella for beta-reading. You guys rock, and so does everyone who gave me feedback and reviews. You all make me very happy. ;)

Shoutouts!

Hotshot — It was a flashback, but only to that afternoon, so it wasn't very obvious. Sorry about that. As for Mush and Blink as close friends/being slashy, it just seems that they're together in the background of the movie a lot, like when they (accidentally, admittedly) share a drink after KONY or pick up papers together during Once and For All. They just seem to end up in-shot together a lot. Thanks for reviewing. ;)

Aura — Well, here's the rest. I hope Blink redeemed himself a bit. Thanks. ;)

Shimmerwings — Thanks again for all of your help. "Classes" and "college" are highly overrated, really; Newsies Slash Universe is preferable by far. I'll send you a draft version of the Race story as soon as, uh, I've figured out exactly what's going on in it. It's being a pain. :::sigh::: But yes, thanks again.

Mondie — Yeah, I was yelling aloud at invisible newsies as I was writing it, so don't feel bad. ;) (My actual student number is something entirely different, but I adore Les Mis and the penname just kind of happened If you like musicals and haven't seen it or heard the music, you should try and see _Les Mis._ It's fabulous. Anyway.) Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope you get a full snow day. Two hours is cheap. :-P

Spearmint — No one's ever said my writing is deep before, thanks! J I love Mush and Blink together as friends or slash as well, so I'm glad it turned out well when I tried writing it.

Omni — I hope Blink's fairly quick acceptance didn't throw off the story too much, since I agree that most slash is a bit too accepting for the time period But I just can't see Blink being that huge of a jerk after everything. (:::Blink!muse lets out a sigh of relief:::) As for the Big Question, does Race know?, well Yes. Race knows everything. He's like God, but more likely to lose money gambling

Geometrygal — He came back! Don't hurt anyone! ;) Thanks for reviewing!

JP — Stupid weather New England is _nuts_ with weather. Grrr. It's still not as bad as upstate NY, my not-at-school-home, but that was a huge snowstorm anyway. Thanks for the review; you are Most Excellent.

Sierra — Thanks, I worked really hard on Blink's reaction, so I'm glad it turned out well. ;)

Mis — Yes, Racetrack "The Nose" Higgins definitely knows what's going on, and I think I'm going to have to start calling him that from now on. I'm not sure why, but it makes me laugh and laugh Since heart wrenching, tear inducing, scream provoking Mush hurting was about what I was going for, I'm glad that worked. I also find it kind of cheesy when, gee, luckily there guys who turn out to be gay are also in love, and I have way too much tormenting Blink and Mush, hence the unrequited slash Oh, and please don't set my Blink!muse on fire, he's a nice boy. Really.

And sadly, with that, I'm off for the _fun_ job of running laundry, cleaning my room, and doing journalism homework Though last week we read about Horace Greeley, so that was interesting Anyway.

Kick it, y'all. Thanks again for all the encouragement and feedback.

-24601]


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